


Two thousand days

by lake_otter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lake_otter/pseuds/lake_otter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You really should stand up. You are not that drunk".<br/>Oh, but I am, thinks Dan. What he says out loud though, is:<br/>"God you have such fine legs".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Recently it was 2000 days since Dan and Phil met. This is kind of a tribute, I guess.

"Don't you ever wish sometime, that you could just go back. And not reply me."

"What?"

Dan is at the dining table, sitting with a straight back for once. He's got nothing in his hands, no phone or computer in sight, staring in space.

"Six years ago".

Phil pauses for a second, stops scrolling. 

"What in the world are you talking about?"

"I am about to hit four million".

Phil sighs.

"You're an idiot".

Dan doesn't move.

"Sometimes I just don't understand how you...." he cuts himself short, falls silent.

**

The balloon pops loudly, Dan screams and half-falls on the floor.

"I got him! I finally got him!", exclaims Phil, looks at the camera, smiles.

Dan wheezes, grabbing his chest, then attempts to stand up, long limbs everywhere.

"Bad! Bad..."

Phil holds his breath automatically, like he always does.

"..friend",says Dan awkwardly. He's still hyped up, but it's obvious that his body got confused between excitement and frustration. He stands still for a second, wordlessly. Phil catches on:

"We'll edit that out, don't worry".

"I'm not worried".

**

Dan can be stubborn. He was always stubborn. Right from the start.

When things got awkward, he tightened his lips and soldiered on. 

He would say he doesn't need any "moral support, thank you", he's a grown-up and overall "just fine". It's later, at night, when he would wake up breathing erratically, sheets around his ankles, forehead glistening, and doesn't follow his bad-night routine right away (which is go to the kitchen, down a glass of water and pace nervously around the apartment for a good ten minutes, before returning to bed and pressing against Phil's whole body, like he's trying to prove to himself that yes, Phil really does exist). These times he doesn't stand up, and Phil knows that the dream was particularly bad, and he doesn't touch him, just waits until Dan's heart stops racing so much and asks:

"Tell me".

And Dan would say something in the lines of,

"We were at Brits award, and I fucked up".

Phil waits some more.

"You were gone for a minute and when you returned to the room I forgot I can't do that, and I did, and everybody saw. Everyone".

"It's just a dream".

Dan winces hard. He still is about five inches away.

"Don't you feel like you're going crazy sometimes?"

"Yeah, I do."

They lay in the dark room for a few more minutes, not saying anything. Phil's eyes adjust to the lack of light gradually. Dan's face across the bed is all dark-eyes.

"You're not even that much into PDA", Dan whines, finally, huffing. Phil can see he's relaxing. He reaches out and touches Dan's wrist lightly with his index finger. Dan hates almost-touches, so he nudges his hand forward, makes Phil wrap his own around it fully.

"You aren't either".

"Maybe I am".

Phil doesn't admit it, not even to himself, but he doesn't really like to think about what Dan's life was like before him. He tries, anyway, imagines a long-fringed skinny Dan holding his young girlfriend's hand, pulling her under his arm, kissing top of her head.

"Your face got so serious".

"Sorry".

"Hold me?"

Phil lets his wrist go, slides a hand under his armpit instead and pulls. Dan goes willingly, rests his head under Phil's chin, nudges a long leg between Phil's, presses all against him like he always does in the end. Phil wonders if he's thirsty; knows not to pet his hair, not to touch his neck too much. 

The clock makes a sound. It's five in the morning.

**

They broke up in autumn.

It's windy, that day. White and gray clouds are running across the sky like they're being chased; like it's a fast-forward moment in a stylish indie movie. Trees are waving their branches hectically, trying to hit windows, maybe, but they're too far away. Dan says a lot of things, Phil says close to nothing. Dan goes for a walk, but returns in less than half an hour; there's nothing for him outside. 

Then it's silence. The house is quiet, and Dan tries to open his laptop, escape anywhere, anyhow, but he can't. 

In the evening, Phil makes a stir-fry, takes his share to his room, but leaves half on the stove. Dan fidgets with a plate for a good five minutes, doesn't feel hungry, but in the end eats it anyway. Perhaps it's a peace offering, from both sides.

There's always been a Phil's room and Dan's room. For many reasons. Not much transferring is required, presumably. Most of Dan's clothes are in his room anyway, and he thinks he doesn't even own that much stuff. In the following weeks he finds out he does; every time he thinks he's finally got everything, there will still be a forgotten charger plugged in on his side of Phil's bed.

But it's all just a matter of time, he tells himself.

**

It's three months later, and Phil is the one who asks.

"Do you think we should move out?"

It's a weird question, the phrasing is weird, you'd expect "I" or "you" in it, not "we". Dan dwells on it for a second.

"Do you think I should move out?" he asks, finally, and that's in no way what he was going to say. It sounds aggressive, as well.

"You're just repeating my question, Dan", Phil sighs. 

"We broke up months ago".

"I know that".

"Are you seeing someone", asks Dan flatly, because it never occurred to him before that Phil, actually, could.

Phil tightens his lips.

"I don't think that's what we need to discuss right now".

Blood rushes to Dan's head, and for a whole second he can't see anything. 

"What the fuck, Phil!"

Phil stands up, crosses his arms. He's slightly shorter than Dan, but it doesn't seem so now. Dan feels like he's gone over the line, but he doesn't know which one. He can't shut up anyway.

"We're supposed to share these things!"

He doesn't know what he's saying, but once this pathetic excuse for a line leaves his mouth, he can't wait for the answer. Phil doesn't hesitate,

"Are we?"

Dan's eyes search his face, his heart beating.

"I thought so", he says, quieter this time.

Phil's supposed to back off now, say something soothing. But he just stands there, eyes narrowed.

"How did you think our lives were going to go then, huh?"

Dan refuses to answer that.

"What if I was dating somebody? Wouldn't you want to know?"

"You'd probably shove it in my face regardless".

Dan takes a step back. Phil doesn't talk like that. He just doesn't. The pain is unexpected and sharp.

"What did I do to you", he asks numbly.

"You're not seriously asking me that", says Phil. His dry voice trembles in the end, and Dan looks up instantly, searches his face again, trying to assure himself that he's not the only one hurting from this.

He can't exactly tell, so he gathers all his courage instead.

"Listen to me", he says, "listen. I can't... I'm not moving out, okay?"

He doesn't know what to expect, but sudden softness in Phil's voice startles him all over again.

"Okay".

"I...", he begins to say more, but his throat closes up. He aches to step closer, get some physical contact, hug Phil, maybe, but he's not allowed to anymore, not in such moments, anyway, and he clenches his hands in fists, tries to contain himself.

"Okay, Dan", Phil repeats, and his smile is weird, one-sided. "I'll let you...", he trails off, shakes his head slightly, then exits the room, closes the door with a quiet click.

Dan lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling.

**

He's lying on the floor again, but this time, it's because he's too drunk to not to.

"You okay there, buddy?"

"No, I'm not! Or maybe too much am! I dunno", he shouts back. Did that even make sense?

"Can someone find Phil", he hears a murmur to his left, and why the hell do they think Phil matters right now, because he doesn't. Dan feels empty and very light.

The floor is so wide, cosmic wide, and the music makes him want to sway his hips, but he's not sure his attempts actually work.

Some time passes, maybe an hour, more like two minutes, and Phil's face appears in close vicinity to his own, and he reaches out to touch it.

"I think we should go home", says Phil, and even through all the haze Dan sees that he's disappointed; he was enjoying himself for once, talking to somebody, dancing even maybe. Dan snorts. 

"As if you could dance", he says.

"Do you think you can stand up?"

"Carry me", demands Dan. He lifts both of his arms up. But instead of proceeding with that request, Phil straightens up, so his face swims away. All Dan has now are his black jean-clad legs.

"You really should stand up. You are not that drunk".

Oh, but I am, thinks Dan. What he says out loud though, is:

"God you have such fine legs".

Someone shoves a camera in his face,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is one completely hammered danisnotonfire! Let's see if he's..."

Something happens then, and Dan can see Phil's face again, this time it's angry, twisted in an unpleasant manner, saying things, even pushing the camera away physically. He suddenly remembers last time Phil was this angry - PJ was at theirs then. Beautiful talented green-eyed PJ, who somehow still, after all these years, mesmerizes Phil, and he turns all calm and cool and invitatious - is that a word - around him. And Dan might have said something in the lines of "you're so obvious" and "this is pathetic", although it was really not. Phil can actually be confident and flirty, and worst of all, it suits him. And it was so long since Dan actually saw that. So he snapped, and Phil got so mad, so, so mad.

At least he's not mad at Dan now, right.

Phil sinks to the floor, grabs Dan under his shoulders, pulls. Dan knows Phil's not that strong. He could always lift him easily, but not the other way around. He could take Phil right off the ground, and for a second he would have such a funny confused expression on his face, and then he would smile, and Dan would put him on the bed, and maybe lie between his legs, and.

When Dan finally gets up, the world is swimming around him.

"I might have to vomit", he admits.

Somehow they're in a bathroom after that, although Dan doesn't really remember walking.

"What on Earth did you drink?"

He grabs the sink, looks into its yellowish porcelain walls.

"Don't know. Don't remember".

"Jesus, Dan".

He lifts his chin, meets Phil's eyes in the mirror. Phil seems sober, a little tired. Dan bites his lip, tries to find words.

"I'm so sorry, Phil".

"I don't think it's the right time to..."

The door bashes against the wall, someone makes their way to the stalls. Dan's still looking at Phil in the mirror. Phil seems worried.

"Wash your face".

Dan does just that, splashes cold water on hot skin. The person, whoever he is, exits the bathroom, leaving them alone again.

"Better?"

"I can't... there's literally no one else for me, Phil".

"I think we need to get home".

"Please", Dan begs. He turns around, finds Phil's hands, squeezes them. They're irresponsive against his hold. He has no idea what he's asking for.

"Tomorrow", sighs Phil. "We'll talk tomorrow".

"I don't want tomorrow. I am not... listen, I know you think I'm drunk."

"You are."

"Tell me just this one thing, okay".

I've met plenty of people in my life, thank you very much, he wants to say.

They can all go fuck themselves, he wants to say. Phil. And yes, they can be prettier, and smarter, and more successful than both of us, but we're - you and I. You and I.

He has no idea which words made it out of his mouth, but somehow Phil's gotten more serious now, pissed off even.

"Dan. You do realize that you're the one that decided..."

"It doesn't matter now. Please. Don't think it matters. Don't."

He probably looks extremely stupid. His whole T-shirt is wet, and he's clinging to Phil like an over-sized child, and he can't exactly stand up straight. They're in a public bathroom, for God's sake. He silently begs Phil to see through that. He just wants him to understand. Understand what, exactly, he doesn't know.

"You're killing me here, Dan", mumbles Phil, and he's clearly miserable, and all Dan wants suddenly is to go jump off the roof. "Why are you doing this to me".

"I'm sorry", he whispers. His eyes feel salty.

"Let's just get home, okay".

"Yeah. Okay".


	2. Chapter 2

Dan sometimes looks at all those girls trying to get his attention, the ones taking it to the extreme, annoying him, making him cringe, making him crave to teleport anywhere, just anywhere else, please, thank you. And then he remembers, where he was, years ago, when he was desperately replying to everything AmazingPhil said on all kinds of social media. He was just like them. 

He was them. 

What it took for Phil to notice him? Was it because Phil was so kind? Or was it because Dan was 'different'? Was it just whole other story with the the internet back then, different circumstances overall? Different kind of being famous? 

Was it destiny, or was it just an accident? Was it because Phil was gay and Dan was pretty? Was it because Dan said something special, that made him stand out, differ from all the rest?

Dan doubts that.

**

"You have a neck thing", says Phil.

Dan lifts himself up, supports his weight on his elbows. 

"What?"

"You hate it when people touch your neck, but you can't stay away from mine".

"Shut up", murmurs Dan, and Phil waits exactly one second before Dan gives up and starts his kiss-covering process all over it once again. It feels nice. Phil can get used to that. To the rest of it as well, actually, this beautiful eighteen-year old in his bed, all over him.

It was amazing how he switched, smoothly transformed from being all awkward and ironic and distant to just manhandling Phil around, like he had a right to. He looked like someone who knew what they were doing. He probably did know, but they met for the first time today, Jesus Christ. And Phil was older. And it was his house. Male cats never breed in a stranger's house on the first day. But then again, Dan was definitely not a cat, and this wasn't exactly breeding.

"What are you thinking about".

"Cat breeding".

He expects an affectionate "you idiot" or something, but Dan just smiles and continues what he's doing, and for some reason this happy silence hits Phil harder then any of the heart-warming bickering they were doing the whole day before. Is it actually possible. Can Phil be so lucky to find someone who does not only pretend that his weirdness is cute because it's funny. Maybe Dan really...

He felt it on Skype, too, but it's hard to tell these things with all the distance between them, even if it's heated up to the max and three-pixel Dan on the other hand casually starts taking his shirt off all of a sudden.

There's no distance now, not one centimeter.

"I don't want this to end", he hears himself saying.

"I don't want this to end either".

They don't actually fuck that night, but that's not the point.

**

There are these times when nothing particular happens, but all of a sudden you feel like you're another person. You're sitting in the car, perhaps, and the windows are rolled down. You're looking outside, at the passing trees and buildings and people you'll never know and that will never know you. And you feel that you're not the same, like you've fallen out of your own head and somehow inserted your mind into somebody else. 

And maybe this one is better, maybe this one lives a life that is somehow more meaningful than yours. Difference makes you feel renovated, it's like having a fresh start, and maybe you're not specifically smarter or prettier or even that much more interesting than you were before, its just that at the same time you're somebody else, and yet it's still you. It's a new option, new life backed up in some kind of a quest game you've played all your life. 

You feel, maybe, more mature, more experienced, and it makes you want to try new things, do something you were afraid to do, gives you courage, gives you strength. And although these moments could seem kind of fake, a false feeling similar to being drunk or high, or post-drunk, or post-high. But it's still your life, your days and your minutes, so why not use them, grab onto them and use them as elevators, as handles that can push you to a new level, it might actually be possible and you shouldn't be too cautious - for once.

Dan, he missed his chance, back then. It was right after that never again mentioned dinner with his father, when all he wanted was to die, just stop existing. He was going back home, pressing cold fingers against dirty bus windows, leaving prints. He was angry. He was ready to forget everything and move on. He was ready to be this whole other person that decides for himself.

He didn't manage to pull through.

**

They were doing okay, after the break-up. Doing their separate things, doing their together-things as well. Living with Phil as friends is as easy as it gets, not that Dan had much prior roommate experience, but still. They understand each other well, don't really get tired of one another's company. Work well together.

It's not the major things that get to Dan, it's the small ones, as life goes on. 

That life of his, it's so strange sometimes, he just doesn't realize it anymore, doesn't have time to dwell on it much. Anthony from Smosh writes on twitter how he wished he could spend some time with Dan and Phil. Fucking Pewdiepie mentions him in like half his non-gaming videos lately. And then there's Tyler.

"What if Phil walks in right now", says Tyler playfully, and Dan smiles. And keeps doing it. And then some more. He will not avert his eyes.

He was thrilled to see Tyler. Tyler's sunny and joyful and very down-to-earth at the same time. They couldn't stop laughing, before they turned on the camera and after that, too. For the past couple of months... Dan thinks this might be a first day he laughed in a week.

But for some reason he's startled now, thrown off the loop. He can't stand sometimes when other people mention Phil unexpectedly, although he lives with the guy, he's associated with him more than he is with his mother or brother or anyone in the world at this point. So of course people will mention Phil around him, they do all the time. It's just that he was so happy a minute ago, so careless.

"I'm too old for this shit", he thinks.

"Are you okay?" asks Tyler.

"You know I'm bi, right".

He hasn't told anybody this. Hasn't openly said it to anyone out loud, not in such words anyway. His old friends, PJ, Chris, Briony, Wirrow, some others, they just knew - because, well, they had eyes, and because back then things were different and there wasn't a lot of hiding going on. Louise knew because she wasn't blind either, although she appeared in their life when nothing was shown to the public anymore. She was just one smart cookie. But that was about it.

So, Dan has never uttered these words to anybody, didn't feel the need to, so he has no idea what he's doing now.

Tyler's silent for a good ten seconds. He didn't stop smiling, though, but his smile went softer and more mischievous somehow.

"I kinda figured".

"You mean you kinda made yourself acquainted with lots of 2009 screenshots".

"That, too".

Dan can't help himself - he laughs again, and suddenly feels even better than he did five minutes ago. Tyler laughs right back at him, and they continue watching porn together like nothing happened.

Come to think of it, his life is strange.

**

Dan wakes up startled, and doesn't understand why. There's nothing strange around him and the house is quiet. Judging by the light it's about noon, and surprisingly nothing hurts, he's just very thirsty. And totally clear-headed. 

He sits up, testing if he's still drunk: he isn't. There's a bottle next to him on the night stand. He grabs it and the image comes vividly to his mind: Phil carefully taking his shoes off, making him climb up the bed, covering him with a thin sheet, so he doesn't get too hot during the night, placing water near him so he can reach it immediately.

He gulps down the bottle like it was nothing. He gets up, bare feet digging into the carpet, for some reason all his senses are heightened, he can feel the softness of the fabric distinctly, the breeze from the window, every little detail in the room is very clear. Shelves need dusting. His teeth, on the other hand, need brushing, so that's what he does, but this is as much morning routine as he will conquer today. There are other things to be done.

Phil is in the living room, on his computer. He lifts his head, smiles tentatively.

"I'm not drunk now", says Dan.

Phil looks at him, and Dan thinks he won't say anything, but he's wrong this time.

"You made me too sure".

"No".

"Yes", says Phil softly, "I should have known, Dan. It was my fault. I let go too much".

Dan's body tenses up, he thought he was ready for this, but maybe he's not. He sits on the floor, right across the sofa with Phil on it. Phil has his legs up, he's put the computer away and is now hugging his knees tightly. Dan copies the pose without noticing, but it's uncomfortable, so he ends up sitting kinda sideways and awkward.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"You know what I mean".

"Maybe I don't. At this point".

Phil sighs again, he does that too much lately.

"You always made it work", he says. "I... guess I trusted you. Don't look at me that way, I still do. It's just... You were so young, Dan".

"Oh my god!"

"No, but it's true. Think of it. Would you trust your eighteen-year old decisions? Now, if you've met the guy?"

"Phil, don't turn it into some kind of sci-fi bullshit".

Phil falls silent for a few seconds.

"Sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry, okay?"

"I do have a lot of bullshit in my head".

"I know it. I love it".

"I am okay with being that way".

"You're saying this like you have some kind of a mental disorder and don't trust me enough to cope with it".

The word trust is being said too many times and Dan's so uncomfortable with it he might just crawl out of his skin. But Phil seems very calm. And sad. His eyes are greyish-yellow now, and it's not like he's acting distant, just... not the opposite.

"All I'm saying is we're grown-up now, and there's a lot to decide for us now. It's different."

Dan gets up then, knee-walks towards the sofa.

"I've made a mistake, okay", he says, harsher than he intended. Phil shakes his head,

"Now, see, that's what I'm saying. I don't see it as a mistake, I..."

"No", says Dan firmly. "You want me to be a grown-up, fine, this is me grown-up talking. And I'm saying, that what I want right now, the only thing I want and will want... Come on. I know myself. I've known myself for twenty-three years. I've known myself all four years being with you and then for one more. Don't try to tell me what I need. Because I know."

"You've always been stubborn", Phil says. He's gone very still and very quiet, and his eyes don't meet Dan's. 

"You say that a lot. But you're no less stubborn. We're literally both awfully stubborn sons of bitches".

He gets a small smile for the curse or for the "literally", either way, it gives him strength to continue. His heart might jump out of his chest, but there's no stopping now.

"So there's just one thing I want to know, okay". 

He takes Phil's wrists, pulls forward a bit. Thinks, then presses their conjoined hands to his chest, as tight as it's possible without hurting Phil. Phil finally looks up at him. He's clearly confused.

Dan finds the right words.

"It's supposed to be cheesy, remember?"

And it's suddenly like six years have never happened, and they're in Phil's bedroom, on the dirty floor, filming their first collaboration video ever, and the spring's streaming right through the window, wild and young.

"Dan".

"Tell me".

Phil's eyes turn bright right then. And Dan's alive again.

"There's nothing to tell, Dan", Phil says. "It's you. It's always been you".

**

It's sunny. They are lying on Phil's bed, heads in the wrong direction, feet resting on the pillows.

"I hated sleeping in my room", says Dan.

Phil turns his head and looks at him.

You don't have to anymore, his eyes say.

"I fucking...", Dan sighs. He has a hickey on his thigh, god damn it, and it hurts. "I wanna marry you".

Phil grins, and he's clearly thinking of a joke, but his face is all scrunched up with happiness, little lines around his eyes, Dan loves him so much he can't, he can't even, like the internet says. He can't even.

"Don't make fun of meeeee", he whines.

Phil does, anyway.

Fin.


End file.
